Top Signs You're Being Harassed By Brett Kimberlin
The Convicted Criminal Lying Felon Speedway Bomber Terrorist Funded by Barbara Streisand
Oh shit! I thought she was on the pill! And hey, did someone not flush the toilet?
Speaking of bombshells, this is Christina Hendricks. She's to Speedway Bombers as garlic is to a vampire. The proclivities of Speedway Bombers, we're told, focus on the pre-pubescent. Disgusting weirdo creeps, these sicko Speedway Bombers!
Dr. House had to flee his house. He's pretty sure that scientifically he is not classified as female. But after that IP trace that @Anonybutt did, he's not so sure anymore. And he's got two television PHD's!
Randy Newman's getting sued for that "Short People" song. He knew the Speedway Bomber back in the day. For the love of God, don't let Stacy McCain have a guitar and sing it, please.
If you care at all about truth and justice, Aunt Bee, you'll cough up all the dirt you have on Weinergate - or even make something up to satisfy me! Or I'll release your real name on Twitter! Maybe even call 911, and have Barney SWAT you! Because that's what journalists do!
The Bomb, AKA "Little Boy." It's also being sued by Brett Kimberlin for defaming the @Anonybutt account because it had the audacity to use the words "midget-esque psycopath employed by Barbra Streisand."
So you're probably wondering, am I being harassed by the notorious criminal liar and perjurer Brett Kimberlin, the Speedway Bomber, too? Or even one of his cronies?
Yes, dear reader, you probably are. If you have at least one of these symptoms, you just might be a target of the Speedway Bomber, and you should probably clean the undercarriage of your car. No one wants to be embarrassed by dirty undies when the Speedway Bomber comes a-stalkin' at your home.
Make sure you study these carefully!
- You're reading textbooks on psychopathy, sociopathy, and narcissism. And: they're interesting.
- You can't watch "Funny Girl" anymore.
- You've double-checked that Brett Kimberlin, Neal Rauhauser, and Ron Brynaert fall under the legal heading of "public figures," and as such, are subject to public ridicule. You are legally allowed to laugh your ass off at their shenanigans. Release the hounds! Bwahaha!
- Various "Obama for America PAC" organizations start following you on Twitter. 'Cause, you know, it's so coinkidinky.
- Ancient Aliens on the History Channel starts to make sense.
- Screen capturing: you know the what, how, and why.
- Ron Brynaert asks you on Twitter about a tweet you made two years ago. You tweeted you had a "good cheeseburger." What did you mean by that?
- You come home to find urine in the toilet and your cat is pregnant.
- You are accused by a convicted bomber of intimidation and the irony escapes you at first.
- Wait. You have a cat?
- By God if you don't tell Ron Brynaert exactly what you meant about that "cheeseburger hitting the spot," he will release all the dirt he has on you! Because, you know, that's what journalists DO: threaten to expose all of your dirty little secrets, Aunt Bee!
- Is it spelled RICO or RICOH?
- You know that Velvet Revolution is not a metro-sexual fashion trend, but an organization that has given money to convicted terrorist Speedway Bomber Brett Kimberlin.
- Someone on an anonymous blog looks up your IP on arin and "scientifically" determines, beyond a doubt, that you are female, although your chest hair and external genitalia suggest otherwise. (If you are female, you may also find yourself magically growing external genitalia. You've been warned!)
- Your attorney's name and number is in your cell phone.
- You're blocking a lot of creepy people on Twitter like Ron Brynaert. A lot more than usual, anyway.
- You suspect that the baton of Breitbart.com has been handed over to Neville Chamberlain. #FreeDanaLoesch #PutDanaInCharge
- That guy you went to elementary school with thirty years ago? Who's now the local Sherrif? Yeah. He's now your best friend.
- A month ago you had no idea who Brett Kimberlin even was, much less looked like. Now? You're pretty sure you could put a beer on his head comfortably. What? Psychopaths can't be short?
- That high school friend you forgot the name of who now works at the FBI? Also now your best friend. It's been too goddamn long since we talked, dude! How are the kids? Wait. You don't have any? Ha ha! I knew that. Let me buy you a beer tonight, buddy!
- You've heard at least six stupid theories about who Dan Wolfe was, and why you're a dumbass for not buying any of them.
- You feel compelled to write extraordinarily long blogs. With links. And PDF files containing police reports and court documents about Brett Kimberlin, the convicted Speedway Bomber who has been exonerated in his own little brain.
- You get insulted by an anonymous tweep with thirty followers who is dead-damned certain that Darrah Ford has been Neal Rauhauser, Dan Wolfe, Tommy Christopher, and a member of the CIA all along. Therefore, Anthony Weiner's resignation should be annulled and Bob Turner, who took his place, should be tossed out on his ass. Because: people on porn forums said things! And stuff!
- Your attorney lets you know that you can text him, too.
- You make damned sure your maid isn't on Twitter. You. Can. Not. Take. That. Risk.
- Your attorney clarifies that you can't text him after midnight unless it's a real emergency. Like swatting. Or the Apocalypse.
- You're not living at your house anymore, and it ain't 'cause you were foreclosed on!
- You are terrified every moment of your miserable existence that people will laugh at your grandiose megalomania.
- You piss in a jar under your computer so you can keep up with all the blogs about you today.
- You're reading this page for "clues." Fucking moron.
- You haven't yet realized that when Kimerblin and his cronies are done with us, they're coming after you, and we won't be here to help you.