Infertility and Miscarraige

While I have only been blogging for two weeks, I found two blogs, A Thorn in the Pew, and Sew Infertile, that have helped me immeasurably with my inner demons. Geoff and I were married when I was 40.5 years old, and he was 33. (Yes, I am a cradle snatcher, but he pursued me relentlessly, proposing seven times on our third date. Of course I said yes, and we then ahd a 15 month engagement). Having suffered from female problems in the past, I was concerned about my fertility. My then OB, a Catholic who understood my stance on life issues, referred me to a fertility specialist who did not take insurance of any kind, and I had little savings. We tried a fertility practice referred to us by our insurance, and what a dreadful experience that was- I saw one doctor and was treated by another. The first was an Orthodox Jew who I thought understood my aversion to IVF, etc, and annotated these aversions in my medical file. What followed was absolute horro- the second doctor, when I repeatedly objected to IVF, which he was pushing and which I adamantly refused, claimed to be half Catholic and half Jewish and that he had lots of Catholic women undrgo prohibited procedures. I underwent tests, sonograms and daily shots for several months, to no avail. if I was late, I had great hope, that would be dashed, and the cycle would begin again. When the "collection condom" came into the picture, we just looked at one another and balked. Our confessor at St. Catherine's in Middletwon must have dreaded my weekly presence in confession- I ususalyy wept in my grief and despair. AT Easter three years ago, I completely broke down during Mass, and had to be helped out by my husband- a young woman, who was a fellow parishioner, was there with her second out of wedlock child, a newborn, and my giref came out. I have never conceived, and feel the pain of these two women. I learned the Creighton method of NFP long before I met Geoff so that I would be prepared for marriage, and I still check my mucus, etc, but no longer chart. I am unable to talk of my despair with my family, since I am expected to accept it due to my age and my "sacandalous" background. (I was previously married twice, and have the requisite annulemtns, both the lengthy and the non lengthy) I cannot bore Geoff with my grief of which he is aware every month, no matter how I try to hide it. I make bad jokes about being his starter wife, etc, which upsets him. and he reminds me of Sarah and Abraham, and of Elizabeth. Now even the Veggie Tales has done a DVD on Sarah and Abraham. Geoff is convinced that we will have children, so I place this in God's, and Geoff's hands.